Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Likely Story, Sadly

A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler in Paris. He killed the pit bull and saved the toddler's life.

The reporters swarmed the guy. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "but I'm not from Paris."

Reporters: "That's OK. All France will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"

The guy says, "I'm from Israel."

Reporters: "OK. Tomorrow's headline: "Vicious Israeli Kills Girl's Defenceless Dog!"

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Eclipse


Eclipse
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Truths My Mother Told Me.

1. Mother told me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

2. Mother told me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. Mother told me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. Mother told me LOGIC..."If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. Mother told me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. Mother told me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. Mother told me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. Mother told me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. Mother told me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. Mother told me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"

11. Mother told me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

12. Mother told me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. Mother told me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like."

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Microsoft V ABBOTT & COSTELLO

Thank you MMr Farrow,
=======================
Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO? Hope you enjoy this one. In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Double Entendres from Sport

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing:

"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning TV:

"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:

"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...

"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:

"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:

"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....

. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio football match commentary -

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Gambling

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino.
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

GirlFriend 5.0

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs itself as 'Fiancee 1.0'. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:

* A 'Don't remind me again' button * Minimize button * Shutdown feature * An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects) .

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

* DEAR GOD... *

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."

Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service. Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: 'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'

From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."'

From The Barnsley Chronicle: 'Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had dialled 999. What Mr Finch did not know was that Mr Melchett had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.'

From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr. Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News: "We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."

From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

RTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color- blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

Betchadidnotknowthis

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life".

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide.

But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son one Ronald Opus=A8 had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

Everybody Knows, Leonard Cohen


908080
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Mother of All Drinks


141719
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Just one more.

Tools


193201
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
More than a button

How I look


101357
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
How I see myself

Thursday, August 26, 2004

cactus


cactus
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
You are in a desert.

You are thirsty...

GiletteCat


GiletteCat
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Gillette, the best a cat can get

Obsession


Obsession
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

didhe


didhe
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
He did

Kettle


Kettle
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Marketing lesson #5

Friday, July 09, 2004

English is strange

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

(Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization
headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ...
until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array
of accents, the verses below were devised. Try them yourself.)

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Subject: English
TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH? Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese; so one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? One mouse, 2 mice, one louse, 2 lice; so one house, 2 hice?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

The Ice Cream

Two friends went for a drive in the desert of Outback Australia. Nowhere special, they just wanted to drive.

It might have been a gasket, securing the coolant. Perhaps something else, I don't know. But steam began to issue from beneath the hood. Then the engine died.

The two friends decided to push the car to the nearest service station, just down the road.

Station attendant was stained and sweaty as he looked away from under the bonnet and leaned into the driver window to give an update and prognosis. "Mate, it looks as if you have blown a seal."

The two friends defended their reputation. "Sorry, mate, we had an ice cream while you were looking."

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

The Improved Dieter's Guide to Sex

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands. .7
Using one trembling hand 36
Using skateboard.... 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man.. 2.5
Losing erection 14
Searching for it. 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection 1.5
Without erection. 30
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM If the woman who does it is

Experienced 6
Inexperienced. 73
If a man does it 680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top,woman in kitchen. 26
Russian- Woman on bottom Man getting permission 55
American- Both on top 60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE
Bouncing. 7
Sliding around .9
Serious skidding. 12
Whiplash. 27
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner on floor 16
ORGASM
Real. 27
Faked 160
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 1/2
Orchestra swelled. 6
Birds sang
Large birds 7
Small birds. 3
Earth moved 30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm.. 1/2
A few moments before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman. 3
For men 72
GUILT
orgasm comes easily 53
You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are starving. .2
Sex on your lunch hour 3
Putting it on expense account. 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time 10
: Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner keeps showing plants 5
Partner taking phone calls .7
Partner making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse 60
By your spouse 100
Trying to explain. 55
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 75
Getting dressed in one motion 500
Thanking partner quickly 2

Thursday, June 17, 2004

THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ

Study each question carefully. Then choose the answer that seems
more correct, True or False.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6. A g-string is part of a violin.
7. Semen is another word for "sailors."
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is an apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages.
33. Phallus was a city on the Nile.
34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
35. Herpes was a Greek god.
36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.

Canonical Lists of Mommy Mommy Jokes

INTRODUCTION
------------
Another list of sick jokes for those of us who need this sort of thing.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated"
please take this into consideration when distributing this list
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and lick.
Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!
Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit
through a sieve?
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up, Albert....
Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! Why does daddy have his Knob in the bread bin?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator
shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when you're older, Lucy!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.
Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhoea...
Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
Alt answer
Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."
This is from something which my wife brought home from work, an office
primarily filled with females.

Unplaced jokes

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man,Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's.

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Damn!" Whack!
================
Senior Citizen.
==============
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Butch The Rooster.
=================
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

The Rabbi & Priest.
=============
This little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles"? The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that is wants to test the theory and make a bet.

The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000 - if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000 - if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.

The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50 - on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50. The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first.

The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on it's front legs and 5 webbed toes on it's rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?

The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000.

He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it?

The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him his $50.

Subject: LIVING IN THE 00's

You know you're living in the 00's when: -

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the

latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

With Fond Memories to Franc Carter

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was crap but the Reception was Brilliant.

----------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
-------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

----------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

-----------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

-----------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

-----------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

-----------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

----------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

-----------------------

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

-----------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

Stupid Signs

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... ok. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...... until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said ...."no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

Weird Things You Would Never Know!!

(and might not ever care to know...)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !!

PS...
So, did you try to lick your elbow????

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Finding Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... ..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Quiz

Do you know the answer?
FACTS:
1. There are 5 houses ( in a row ) in 5 different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
3. These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same drink.
HINTS:
1. The Brit. lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane. drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall cigars rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill cigars.
8. The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk.
9. The Norwegion lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blend cigars lives next to the cat owner.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill
12 The man who smokes Blue Master cigars drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince cigars.
14. The Norwegion lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blend cigars has a neighbor who drinks water.

The Question is .......... who has a fish as a pet ?

Anagrams Checked

Evangelist ...... Evil's Agent

The Morse Code....Here come dots!

Desperation.... A Rope Ends It.

Slot Machines.... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity......Is no amity

Snooze Alarms... Alas, no more Z's

Alec Guinness.... Genuine Class

Semolina......Is no meal

Princess Diana..... Ascend in Paris

To be or not to be, That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.....

Becomes.........

In one of the bard's best thought of tragedies our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

That is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind...

Becomes......

On a far planet, in large moon this man make flat strides.!

The Earthquakes....That queer shake

Contradiction,... accord not in it.

A decimal Point.... I'm a dot in place.

The public Tar Galleries.... Large picture halls, I Bet!
===
Did you know "listen" and"silent" use the same letters?

Do you also know that the words"race car" spelled backwards still spells
"race car?"

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move
it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

===
MMM posted in FB in 2013 ..

Sunday, May 23, 2004

A seminar for the Economically Challenged

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In a room of 200, he asked,who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up.

He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first,let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, what if I do his? And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now who still wants it?

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It is still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it.

In passing this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Jesus at The Pearly Gates.

Jesus was standing in for St Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffles up. Jesus goes through the standard entry procedures:

"Name?" says Jesus.
"Joseph" says the old man.

"Occupation?" asks Jesus
"Carpenter" replied the old man.

"Family - Any children?" continues Jesus.
"I once had a son" answers the man.

"Describe him" says Jesus
"Well", said the old man, "He was a bit strange and childlike - and he had nails in his hands and feet".

Jesus looked closely at the old man who peered back at Jesus and asked: "Pinnochio?"

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Sheer Luck Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Ever been accused of not knowing Jack Schitt.

Many People are at a complete loss when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of 'Knee-Deep N Schitt', inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious Couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Lotta Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents wishes, Dip Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had a child which they called Deep Schitt.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married a Mr. Sherlock and, because she had custody of the kids, she wanted to retain part of her previous name and so she became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Fulla Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son Chick-N. Schitt. Loda Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hors Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride: Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

What if 3 Wise Men were Women?

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.

But what they would have said when they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

News from Heaven

"Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's 'only son' last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she 'had loved God for a long time, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was 'thrilled to have had His child.' In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that 'No sexual relationship existed,' and that 'the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.'

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Angelic Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to His illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the 'Wise Men.' Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate 'That God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal'. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a 'tough-on-crime' plan consisting of a series of 10 'Commandments,' which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.

Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the 'Name in Vain' Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. "

Architect Like Programmer

If architects had to work like programmers:

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted.When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen shoul dbe designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time,for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also likein our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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