Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

The Improved Dieter's Guide to Sex

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands. .7
Using one trembling hand 36
Using skateboard.... 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man.. 2.5
Losing erection 14
Searching for it. 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection 1.5
Without erection. 30
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM If the woman who does it is

Experienced 6
Inexperienced. 73
If a man does it 680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top,woman in kitchen. 26
Russian- Woman on bottom Man getting permission 55
American- Both on top 60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE
Bouncing. 7
Sliding around .9
Serious skidding. 12
Whiplash. 27
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner on floor 16
ORGASM
Real. 27
Faked 160
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 1/2
Orchestra swelled. 6
Birds sang
Large birds 7
Small birds. 3
Earth moved 30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm.. 1/2
A few moments before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman. 3
For men 72
GUILT
orgasm comes easily 53
You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are starving. .2
Sex on your lunch hour 3
Putting it on expense account. 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time 10
: Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner keeps showing plants 5
Partner taking phone calls .7
Partner making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse 60
By your spouse 100
Trying to explain. 55
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 75
Getting dressed in one motion 500
Thanking partner quickly 2

Thursday, June 17, 2004

THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ

Study each question carefully. Then choose the answer that seems
more correct, True or False.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
6. A g-string is part of a violin.
7. Semen is another word for "sailors."
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is an apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages.
33. Phallus was a city on the Nile.
34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
35. Herpes was a Greek god.
36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.

Canonical Lists of Mommy Mommy Jokes

INTRODUCTION
------------
Another list of sick jokes for those of us who need this sort of thing.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated"
please take this into consideration when distributing this list
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and lick.
Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!
Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit
through a sieve?
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up, Albert....
Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! Why does daddy have his Knob in the bread bin?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator
shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when you're older, Lucy!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.
Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhoea...
Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
Alt answer
Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."
This is from something which my wife brought home from work, an office
primarily filled with females.

Unplaced jokes

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man,Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's.

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Damn!" Whack!
================
Senior Citizen.
==============
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Butch The Rooster.
=================
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

The Rabbi & Priest.
=============
This little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles"? The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that is wants to test the theory and make a bet.

The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000 - if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000 - if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.

The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50 - on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50. The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first.

The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on it's front legs and 5 webbed toes on it's rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?

The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000.

He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it?

The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him his $50.

Subject: LIVING IN THE 00's

You know you're living in the 00's when: -

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the

latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

With Fond Memories to Franc Carter

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was crap but the Reception was Brilliant.

----------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
-------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

----------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

-----------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

-----------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

-----------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

-----------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

----------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

-----------------------

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

-----------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

Stupid Signs

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... ok. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...... until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said ...."no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

Weird Things You Would Never Know!!

(and might not ever care to know...)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !!

PS...
So, did you try to lick your elbow????

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Finding Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... ..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Quiz

Do you know the answer?
FACTS:
1. There are 5 houses ( in a row ) in 5 different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
3. These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same drink.
HINTS:
1. The Brit. lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane. drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall cigars rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill cigars.
8. The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk.
9. The Norwegion lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blend cigars lives next to the cat owner.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill
12 The man who smokes Blue Master cigars drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince cigars.
14. The Norwegion lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blend cigars has a neighbor who drinks water.

The Question is .......... who has a fish as a pet ?

Anagrams Checked

Evangelist ...... Evil's Agent

The Morse Code....Here come dots!

Desperation.... A Rope Ends It.

Slot Machines.... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity......Is no amity

Snooze Alarms... Alas, no more Z's

Alec Guinness.... Genuine Class

Semolina......Is no meal

Princess Diana..... Ascend in Paris

To be or not to be, That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.....

Becomes.........

In one of the bard's best thought of tragedies our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

That is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind...

Becomes......

On a far planet, in large moon this man make flat strides.!

The Earthquakes....That queer shake

Contradiction,... accord not in it.

A decimal Point.... I'm a dot in place.

The public Tar Galleries.... Large picture halls, I Bet!
===
Did you know "listen" and"silent" use the same letters?

Do you also know that the words"race car" spelled backwards still spells
"race car?"

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move
it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

===
MMM posted in FB in 2013 ..

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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