These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Bernie thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Harry Truman and a large industrial coal furnace powering a Japanese Restaraunt. He kept shovelling in and checking steam pressure, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Bernie said. "I don't think so. I'm not good with hot tasks and don't think that task appropriate for me."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks with the faces of his labor parlaimentarians. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got the support of my own party. I don't think this task is appropriate for me." commented Bernie.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bernie saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she did best. Bernie Sanders looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
Friday, December 02, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to 72 cents. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are 76 cents a dozen.
When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "The price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly".
This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day. I checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices.
The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms. The small egg farms have been driven out of business.
The huge egg farms sell 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors. With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit.
The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on.
As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up, he saw the big egg trucks delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there.
He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily.
Nothing had changed but the price of eggs.
Then a week before Thanksgiving, the price of eggs shot up to $1.00 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "cakes and baking for the holiday" The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up
Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking and baking happen.
This pattern continues until the price of eggs is 2.00 a dozen. The man says, "There must be something we can do about the price of eggs".
He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs.
Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need. He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day.
The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler. He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs. Maybe wouldn't need any all week.
The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse. He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks.
At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs.
To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price. The distributor said, "Don't have the room for the eggs even if they were free".
The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again.
The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buying 2 or 3 eggs at a time".
"Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again".
The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers. They liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, those chickens just kept on laying
Finally, the egg farmers lowered the price of their eggs but only a few cents.
The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "When the price of eggs gets down to where it was before we will start buying by the dozen."
Slowly the price of eggs started dropping. The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers.
The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for. Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a while.
And those chickens kept on laying.
Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell.
The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the stores could afford to sell them at the lower price.
And the customers starting buying by the dozen again.
Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry. What if everyone only bought $10.00 worth of gas each time they pulled to the pump? The dealers tanks would stay semi full all the time. The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tank farms. The tank farms wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off loaded from the huge tankers coming from the Middle East.
Just $10.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill it up. You may have to stop for gas twice a week but, the price should come down.
Think about it.
As an added note: When I buy $10.00 worth of gas, that leaves my tank a little under half full. The way prices are jumping around, you can buy gas for $2.65 a gallon and then the next morning it can be $2.15. If you have your tank full of $2.65 gas, you don't have room for the $2.15 gas.
You might not understand the economics of only buying two eggs at a time but you can't buy cheaper gas if your tank is full of the high priced stuff.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant .
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she w ants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
First Date: You get terrific kiss.
Second Date: You get even more great kiss.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get kiss again.
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant .
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters,
her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother,
her two cousins her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and
you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that
used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
No third date.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into comfortable clothing, sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins, take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
|Purgatory (Repenting Believers)||Extreme|
|Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)||Low|
|Level 2 (Lustful)||Low|
|Level 3 (Gluttonous)||High|
|Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)||Very Low|
|Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)||High|
|Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)||Very Low|
|Level 7 (Violent)||Low|
|Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)||Moderate|
|Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)||Low|
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Friday, November 11, 2005
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And G-d agreed.
On the third day, G-d created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And G-d agreed again.
On the fourth day, G-d created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," G-d said. "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
The fastest horse
The best stayer
The horse most likely to place first
Has four legs.
Anyone following my hot tip would have won yesterday's Melbourne cup. Because? You guessed it! Makybe Diva has four legs.
It is just as my cadet instructor said, and I never forgot the poem. Whenever I need to make a decision, I think back to his poem. He said "Four legs is all right"
Friday, October 28, 2005
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, Under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets your milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you take harmonica lessons.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using the letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. ....and the one on the left is kinda cute....
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave
him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate
problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
1. You Were an Accident
2. Strangers Have the Best Sweeties
3. Some Kittens Can Fly!
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
5. All Dogs Go to Hell
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. You Are Different and That's Bad
8. Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games
9. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
11. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
13. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
14. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
15. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
DAY 1 -
Meet your new travel-mates in our hotel in Beautiful Emu Plains. At night you have the chance to score your own crack in Cabramatta.
DAY 2 -
After breakfast we will get mugged in Minto before having lunch at Blacktown KFC. Tonight why not participate in a riot at Macquarie Fields!
DAY 3 -
Today is your choice! You have the option of fishing in Blacktown Creek or taking a day-trip to the Kings Cross Heroin Injecting Room. Tonight we experience a cabaret show at Rooty Hill RSL, "The Vegas of the West".
DAY 4 -
After seeing the real bullet holes in the walls of Granville Police Station, we will get car-jacked in Sefton before being an accomplice in a stolen WRX and ram-raiding a cigarette store in Fairfield.
DAY 5 -
Today we will get the shit bashed out of us in downtown Punchbowl by a gang of 30 or 40. We will have lunch at Auburn Macca´s before an afternoon swim in the Parramatta River. Tonight is party night as we head up the coast to Gosford's classy Club Troppo.
DAY 6 -
An early start today as we witness a convenience store hold-up in Blackett. We then have an opportunity to get knifed in Bonnyrigg. Tonight we get caught up in a riot at a Canterbury Bulldogs game.
DAY 7 -
This morning is another early start as Silverwater Prison is the backdrop to our group photo (optional). We then take part in a shoot-up at picturesque Lakemba. Tonight is an included dinner in the Bistro at Blacktown RSL.
DAY 8 -
Today is a free day to explore the beautiful suburb of Mt. Druitt at your leisure.
DAY 9 -
Today we explore Villawood Detention Centre. In the afternoon why not take part in a guided tour down Everleigh St, Redfern. In the evening a chance to farewell your new friends at the end of tour dinner at Krispy Kreme Penrith.
9 days travelling in the comfort of a Ford Escort with bullet-proof windows and sub-woofer.
6 nights accommodation in F1 Hotels. 3 nights in Best Western Hotels.
Day song - "I shot the Sheriff". Wake-up song - "Gangster's Paradise".
Driver - Wazza. Tour Leader - Mustafa.
Only $199 plus food fund. (Personal Injury insurance of $4000 not included)
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
1. Texas: Productive industrious state run by Republicans.
Louisiana: Government dependent welfare state run by Democrats.
2. Texas: Residents take responsibility to protect and evacuate themselves.
Louisiana: Residents wait for government to protect and evacuate them.
3. Texas: Local and state officials take responsibility for protecting their citizens and property.
Louisiana: Local and state officials blame federal government for not protecting their citizens and property.
4. Texas: Command and control remains in place to preserve order.
Louisiana: Command and control collapses allowing lawlessness.
5. Texas: Law enforcement officers remain on duty to protect city.
Louisiana: Law enforcement officers desert their posts to protect themselves.
6. Texas: Local police watch for looting.
Louisiana: Local police participate in looting.
7. Texas: Law and order remains in control, 8 looters tried it, 8 looters arrested.
Louisiana: Anarchy and lawlessness breaks out, looters take over city, no arrests, criminals with guns have to be shot by federal troops.
8. Texas: Considerable damage caused by hurricane.
Louisiana: Considerable damage caused by looters.
9. Texas: Flood barriers hold preventing cities from flooding.
Louisiana: Flood barriers fail due to lack of maintenance (despite billions of federal dollars given to the state over the past 30 years to reinforce the Levees)
allowing city to flood.
10. Texas: Orderly evacuation away from threatened areas, few remain.
Louisiana: 25,000 fail to evacuate, are relocated to another flooded area.
11. Texas: Citizens evacuate with personal 3 day supply of food and water.
Louisiana: Citizens fail to evacuate with 3 day supply of food and water, do without it for the next 4 days.
12. Texas: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials provide accessible distribution points.
Louisiana: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials prevent citizens from reaching distribution points and vice versa.
13. Louisiana: Media focuses on poor blacks in need of assistance, blames Bush.
Texas: Media can't find poor blacks in need of assistance, looking for something else to blame on Bush.
14. Texas: Coastal cities suffer some infrastructure damage, Mayors tell residents to stay away until ready for re-population, no interference from federal officials.
Louisiana: New Orleans is destroyed, Mayor asks residents to return home as another hurricane approaches, has to be overruled by federal officials.
15. Louisiana: Over 400 killed by storm, flooding and crime.
Texas: 24 killed in bus accident on highway during evacuation, no storm related deaths.
16. Texas: Jailed prisoners are relocated to other detention facilities outside the storm area.
Louisiana: Jailed prisoners are set free to prey on city shops, residents, and homes.
17. Texas: Local and state officials work with FEMA and Red Cross in recovery operations.
Louisiana: Local and state officials obstruct FEMA and Red Cross from aiding in recovery operations.
18. Texas: Local and state officials demonstrate leadership in managing disaster areas.
Louisiana: Local and state officials fail to demonstrate leadership, require federal government to manage disaster areas.
19. Texas: Fuel deliveries can't keep up with demand, some run out of gas on highway, need help from fuel tankers before storm arrives.
Louisiana: Motorists wait till storm hits and electrical power fails.
Cars run out of gas at gas stations that can't pump gas. Gas in underground tanks mixes with flood waters.
20. Texas: Mayors move citizens out of danger.
Louisiana: Mayor moves himself and family to Dallas.
21. Texas: Mayors continue public service announcements and updates on television with Governor's backing and support.
Louisiana: Mayor cusses, governor cries, senator threatens president with violence on television, none of them have a clue what went wrong or who's responsible.
22. Louisiana: Democratic Senator says FEMA was slow in responding to 911 calls from Louisiana citizens.
Texas: Republican Senator says "when you call
911, the phone doesn't ring in Washington, it rings here at the local responders".
Sunday, October 09, 2005
He taught them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they that thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you are persecuted.
Blessed are you when you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."
And James said "are we supposed to know this?"
And Simon Peter said "will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said "I don’t have any paper."
And Bartholomew said "do we have to spell correctly?"
And Mark said "do we have to hand this in?"
And John said "the other disciples didn’t have to learn this."
And Matthew said "may I go to the toilet?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan
and inquired of Jesus:
"Where are your learning and assessment objectives?
What range of teaching strategies did you draw from?
Did you provide a differentiated provision?
Can I see a cross section of pupils work?
And Jesus wept.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!
by Lewis Carroll
After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind
opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser,
you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming
to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that
it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much,
and just avoid hat shops altogether.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
You're a Gorilla!
Highly social and group-oriented, you like hanging out with the same
people constantly. You have either black or gray hair and spend a good deal of time
grooming it or getting others to groom it for you. Sleep is a big part of your daily
routine and you like to either make very loud noise or no noise at all. You have
more skills with language than most, however. One of your absolute favorite drinks
is hot cocoa.
Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Everything was going really well for you for a long time, but lately you haven't quite been acting yourself. One day things were looking up and now you've got all this anger, and you're taking it out on people you've decided must be at fault. Taking their property seems to be the best way of getting back at them, but this is making all your former friends dislike you and talk about ending your friendships. Things could really go either way right now, but you're making enemies fast.>
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Congratulations on doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus 15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Leviticus 21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19.27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20.14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
An Inquiring Supporter
P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Friday, August 12, 2005
Friday, July 15, 2005
·You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like
before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those
freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video.
·You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist
bands at some point during your youth.
·You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter
·You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt
at least once.
·You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's
·You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
·You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
·You can name at least half of the members of the
elite "Brat Pack."
·You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the
Bell for endless hours.
·You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
·You know that another name for a keyboard is a
·You'll always hold a special place in your heart for
"Back to the Future."
·You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody
knows your name."
·You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was
there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
·You know what "psych" means.
·You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped,
combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants.
·You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
·You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called
·You ever wore fluorescent—neon clothing.
·You could breakdance, or wished you could.
·You know who Max Headroom is.
·You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al
·You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video
·You own any cassettes or albums.
·You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd
all be living on the moon.
·You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear glass
collection from Pizza Hut.
·"Poltergeist" totally freaked you out.
·You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an
·You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY
·You wanted to communicate with Synergy, or you wanted
green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits (Jem
·You inserted the word "like" into, like, every
·You know what a Doozer is (Fraggle Rock).
·You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and
·You ever had a Swatch Watch.
·You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect
the care-bear stare.
·You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or
·You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
·You had Wonder Woman or Superman Underoos.
·You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
·You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY
·You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids" (and perhaps
still have a collection of them).
·Extra point You have seen the Garbage Pail Kids TV
show. (Only one episode was aired.)
·You had a crush on Bo Derek.
·Punks actually "shocked" people.
·You wanted to be The Hulk or Rainbow Brite for
·You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD
·You thought that Transformers were more than meets
·You know what a "Whammy" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy,
·Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
·Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
·3 words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound
·You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of
·You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels"—that handy
little combination of shoe and roller skate that
lasted about a year on the open market.
·You're PO'd that you couldn't really participate in
the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's,
think you wasted too much time doing stupid,
meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue
what the 90's or 00's are all about.
·While in high school, you and all your friends
discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the
end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and
·You remember when music that was labeled
"alternative" really was.
·You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger
explosion (which you were probably watching in school
at the time).
·You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that
you're older, you really understand that it would have
been much better had you known about drugs at the
·You've recently horrified yourself by using any one
of the following phrases:
o "When I was younger"
o "When I was your age"
o "You know, back when..."
o "Because I SAID so, that's why"
o "What the HECK is this noise on the radio?"
o "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
·You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee"
DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
·Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you
actually learned the English language.
·You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in
either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
·At one point during your teenage years, you walked
with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number
of plastic rings on that arm.
·"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot
new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
·The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance
fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
·There were at least three people in your school that
voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy"
"Muffy" or "Dexter."
·You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping
·You used to hold in your head the thought that all
those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool
and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed
rational to you at the time.
·You remember with pain the sad day when the Green
Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel
·You've gotten this far on the list and aren't totally
·The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over
·You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide
for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden
screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake
·You're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old
after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to
look out for.
·Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became
something which can only be described by the phrase "I
·You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton,
but not in the last five years, okay?
·You're starting to get that "why aren't you married
yet" spiel, not just from parents, but now from
friends that are married.
·You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
·When someone mentions two consecutive days of the
week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for
hours on end.
·You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
·You're parents wanted you to attend medical school,
but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all
the babes, anyway.
·You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who
·You thought eating Reese's Pieces would attract your
·Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
·You have ever called 867-5309.
·You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Cameron, or
Michael J. Fox on your wall.
·You held the top score on Pac-Man.
·You owned a t-shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know
someone who did.
·This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They
work for me."
·You HAD to have your MTV
·You know what a "burnout" is.
·You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when
Jordache jeans were cool.
·You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.
·You remember the original version of Windows:
·You thought "Weird Science" was a masterpiece.
·You remember any or all of the following: Echo & the
Bunnymen, Cutting Crew, Scritti Politti, or Orchestral
Maneuvers in the Dark.
·Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation
·You actually know who Rick Springfield is
·You remember when film critics raved that no movie
could ever possibly get better special effects than
those in the movie TRON.
·You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan
Hammer was cool.
·Guys: You remember when a guy piercing his ear was
radical to the max, but did it anyhow.
Monday, June 27, 2005
¤ My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
¤ My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
¤ Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
¤ The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
¤ I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
¤ When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
¤ When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
¤ After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
¤ I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
¤ I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
¤ I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
¤ I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
¤ I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
¤ I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
¤ One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
¤ All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
¤ My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
¤ The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
¤ I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
¤ I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
¤ I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
¤ When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
¤ I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
¤ I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
¤ Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
¤ I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
¤ No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
¤ I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
¤ I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
¤ No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
¤ If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
¤ No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
¤ I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
¤ If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
¤ My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
¤ Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
¤ I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
¤ All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
¤ All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
¤ Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
¤ I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
¤ I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
¤ I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
¤ I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
¤ I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
¤ I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
¤ I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
¤ If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
¤ If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age.
¤ If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
¤ I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
¤ Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
¤ I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
¤ When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
¤ I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
¤ I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
¤ I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
¤ I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
¤ If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
¤ If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
¤ I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
¤ If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
¤ My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
¤ I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
¤ If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
¤ I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
¤ If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.
¤ I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
¤ Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
I stopped at a convenience store on my way to work one morning. As I was standing in line to pay, the guy in front of me in line, a rather rough and dirty looking dude, looks at me and blurts out "Damn, I hate going to court." Concerned for my personal safety, I didn't acknowledge his statement but thought it a rather strange thing to say to strike up a conversation. Here are some more ill-conceived converstation starters that you may encounter from total strangers which can only lead to the start of some big trouble. You should avoid replying to these if possible...
1. "You know anything about rectal itch?
2. "I spoke to Jesus last night. Jesus Christ, that is."
3. "Hustler printed my letter... wanna see?"
4. "They think they can fire ME? I'll show 'em."
5. "TB, my ass. Those doctors don't know nuthin' (cough, cough)."
6. "Hey, nice pants!"
7. "Does this look malignant to you?"
8. "Yep, I used to smoke too before my sex change."
9. "What wine goes good with human flesh?"
10. "You look like a nice guy. I'll do you half-price."
11. "How does your light shine in the halls of Shambala?"
12. "Do you believe in life after love?"
13. "Hey buddy, do you know where the nearest blood bank is?"
14. "You wanna buy a midget?"
15. "Would you like some candy?"
16. "You look a lot like my old prison buddy."
17. "Woof, woof!"
18. "Wanna see something weird?"
19. "I always fart when I cough."
20. "What time does the President's motorcade pass through here?"
21. "We meet again, eh, Herr Doktor?"
22. "I'm wearing a thong... backwards."
23. "You don't look so tough."
24. "Sure is a nice day for a hanging."
25. "Relax... it's not real."
26. "Can you give me directions to the nearest playground?"
27. Damn, you shor' gots a purty mouth."
28. "See something you like, mister?"
29. "Do you like monkeys?"
30. "I shall haveth thine soul before the morrow."
31. "Assume the position."
32. "Do you have the document?"
33. "I just let the dogs out."
34. "Pardon me, Earthling... may I obtain a saliva sample?"
35. "Watch this..."
Thursday, June 16, 2005
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Sunday, June 12, 2005
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"
He decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach the kitten. He did all this, kept getting out to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bend sufficiently to reach the kitten.
But as he did so, the rope broke. Of course, the tree went Boing! and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
The rabbi felt very sad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking everyone if they'd seen a little kitten. "No," was the answer. So he prayed, "G-d, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and he met a temple member. In her cart, he was amazed to see cat food, knowing she hated cats.
He asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and she finally told her, "Well, if G-d gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
"You can guess the rest," she told the rabbi, "I watched my little girl go out in the yard, look up to the heavens above, and ask G-d for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed in front of her!"
Sunday, June 05, 2005
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check
Saturday, June 04, 2005
However, a couple that are cute are gaming jokes and can be found at http://www.glorantha.com/new/jokes.html
What's the difference between a Sartar wedding and a Sartar wake?
One less drinker.
By Greg Stafford
A Sartar burglar.
By Greg Stafford
A guy walks into a bar and says,
"Hey buddy, I have a couple of really funny Sartar jokes here!"
The bar tender leans over and says,
"Listen, if I were you I'd watch your tongue. Those two big guys with horns on their helmets over there are Sartarites. I'm no midget and I'm Sartarite, and every man in here is Sartarite."
"Oh, Okay," says the guy, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."
By Greg Stafford
How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Sartarite?
The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
By Greg Stafford
Two priests were discussing the decline of morals in the world today.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one, "Did you?"
"I don't know," he said, "What was her maiden name?"
By Greg Stafford
What do you call 10,000 Lunars at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
By Greg Stafford
"I met a new girl at a feast the other day, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
By Greg Stafford
The local law enforcer was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Yelm?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the tavern where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
By Greg Stafford
A Lhankor Mhy devotee, an Orlanth Adventurous devotee and an Uroxi devotee walk into the local tavern. All three sit down and order horns of mead. As they discuss the day events the tavern keep brings each a horn overflowing with fine mead.
The Lhankor Mhy sage looks down and notes a fly swimming in his mead. "What sort of feculant establishment are you running here!", he shouts. He begins to quote the law of Heort and the punishments for transgressions of hospitality and the connection between the fly and Malia of the unholy trio. The tavern keeper quickly pours out his mead and brings him another horn with abject apologies.
The Orlanthi then looks down at his horn of mead and also notes a fly floundering about in his mead. He looks at the fly for a moment, grasps the horn and says, "Force is always an option!" and gulps down the entire horn fly and all.
Lastly the Uroxi warrior looks down and also sees a large black fly swimming in his mead. He carefully takes the horn from the bar and shakes off his leather and bronze gauntlet. With the bare hand he carefully reaches into the horn of mead and gently grasps the fly by the wings. He then lifts the fly so that it is just above the mead horn and slowly brings the horn and the fly close to his lips and with an earth shaking bellow roars, "Spit it out you bastard!!"
Sent by RafandCarla
What do you call 3 Humakti standing in the middle of the road with their swords drawn?
Sent by Mike Dawson
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office. I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday".
And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
Friday, June 03, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband.
Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"
Sunday, May 01, 2005
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten thingy.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What in the world is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the part thats right in the middle of the engine, I have lost the one I had and need a new one."
She explained that she did not know what it does, but this piece had always been there and she thought she should have it replaced.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what it looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
Still confused, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 piece on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Right then, we were all reminded of who we were dealing with.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?
Couple in threes
Grandparents swing from the ceiling.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Corporate chambers and office amore.
Shenanigans outdoor and in.
Resist and then later your find out there's more
Regret in not doing the sin.
Our lives have to die
Of that there's no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb-weaver spider's whose pedipalp
Enters the female pudendum.
Then dies on the spot
His corpse there still stuck,
Left for his rivals to curse at.
He would rather die than not get to f^ck
Personally I reckon it's worth it.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does everybody else get that feeling?
Does everyone think...
Friday, April 22, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk to much, which was possibly the point of the study."
The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
Well, it's really nice.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to have sex with the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
How do hedghogs have sex?
Like all other mammals, the make inserts his penis into the female's vagina and moves vigorously in and out until the friction causes him to ejaculate.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.
What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.
There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.
- I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.I'm the Conservative Voice.I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill.
I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.
I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious).
I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..
Ignore my politics, the media does
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