Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Black


Black
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Remember

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Check Out Bunny Love

http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php
Lyric
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?
Teenagers naked,
Couple in threes
Grandparents swing from the ceiling.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Everyone else has had more sex than me.

Corporate chambers and office amore.
Shenanigans outdoor and in.
Resist and then later your find out there's more
Regret in not doing the sin.

Our lives have to die
Of that there's no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb-weaver spider's whose pedipalp
Enters the female pudendum.

Then dies on the spot
His corpse there still stuck,
Left for his rivals to curse at.
He would rather die than not get to f^ck
Personally I reckon it's worth it.

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does anyone else get that feeling?

Everyone else has had more sex than me.
Does everybody else get that feeling?

...

Does everyone think...

Friday, April 22, 2005

Dirty Car


DirtyCar
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Maria's car polishing service advert.

Don't Shoplift


Don_tShoplift
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Electrician


Electrician
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

OneBraveThing


OneBraveThing
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

TurkeySandwich


TurkeySandwich
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Common Jokes, Twisted Endings

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"

Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
It's wet.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk to much, which was possibly the point of the study."

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to have sex with the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.


How do hedghogs have sex?
Like all other mammals, the make inserts his penis into the female's vagina and moves vigorously in and out until the friction causes him to ejaculate.

What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

School Didn't Accept Dr's Sick Note

David has difficulty swallowing tyres easily.
The patient is 72 years old. His mother is also elederly.
The patient was a 62 yo woman at a flea market when she developed severe itching.
Fetus is female, no other gross abnormalities shown.
Patient states he is in good health, except for his illness.
Since patient stopped smoking, smell is beginning to return.
She is quite hard of hearing, in fact she cannot hear at all out of her left eye.
Sinuses run in the family.
He was advised to force fluids through his interpreter.

Monday, April 04, 2005

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS Macquarie Fields

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Macquarie Fields

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin ell"

And "Whadda carnt". The earthquake decimated the area causing Approximately $30.00 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Macquarie Fields Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Sydney Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my Bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to The area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which
include benefit books, Canterbury shirts, jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

  ***************** HOW YOU CAN HELP******************

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for Those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps holden racing, tracksuit tops (his and hers), Holden racing Suits (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots and any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pops, Donna Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,ice cream and cans of Red Bull, Bacardi Breezer, or Special Brew.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in The compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, savaloys and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

  ********************* BREAKING NEWS*********************
  Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood. When asked "Where are you bleeding from?" the girl replied "The Fields - wazzat gotta do wif youz?"

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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