Good Place To Eat.

Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'.
They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime." The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?" "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."

Today's Stock Market Report.

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.