Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Circumcision.

A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They'd all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they were all together again discussing their experiences.. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Now that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God! he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone style he told his story.
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from GOD'S HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with ME. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, Father, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in very bad shape. The rabbi looked up at them and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Ten Commandments.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Grandchild Wanted.

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray.
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

Monday, March 23, 2009

My Apartment.

Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."

Golf.

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

The Maid in a Jewish Home.

A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were.

"The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Star Wars for the Lyrically Challenged


Star wars theme with lyrics written specially for the music.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

An ID ten T error

ID Ten T Error - by Doofus and Wendy Vuong

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

Richard grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little bugger.
Beautiful Sunset

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING

Things to make you go hmmm …. (laugh then think!)

These laws aren’t hilarious, they will raise a smile or a small chuckle but after that they will definitely make you think.
from Wendy Vuong

1. Any given program, once deployed, is already obsolete.

2. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Only ten percent of the code in any given program will ever execute.

6. Software expands to consume all available resources.

7. Any non-trivial program contains at least one error.

8 The probability of a flawless demo is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

9. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will its most harmful error be discovered.

10. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

11. The effort required to correct an error increases exponentially with time.

12. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

13. Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at in months might as well have been written by someone else.

14. Inside every small program is a large program struggling to get out.

15 The sooner you start coding a program, the longer it will take.

16 A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.

17. Adding programmers to a late project makes it later.

18. A program is never less than 90% complete, and never more than 95% complete.

19. If you automate a mess, you get an automated mess.

20. Build a program that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

21 Users truly don’t know what they want in a program until they use it.

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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