Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Job Interview

At a job interview Quang Hui was asked to make a sentence with the words 'blue', 'yellow', 'green', 'pink' and 'phone'. He came up with this "the blue phone goes green green I pink it up and I say Yellow" Now he works for Telstra customer service.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Jewish Salesman

In the late 1960's it was decided to get rid of the last Jewish member of the Polish politburo.
So he was sent off to sell Polish cars to the Germans.
Two weeks later, he returned with a signed contract.
Surprised but still eager to oust the Jew, they sent him off to the United States to sell Polish computers.
A month later he comes home, signed contracts overfilling his briefcase.
Stunned, but now more determined than before, the politburo sends him off to the People's Republic of China to sell Polish rice.
Months pass and the Poles are glad they haven't heard from him.
Then one day, about six months after he left, he shows up for their regularly scheduled meeting, signed contract in hand.
"But... how did you manage it?" they demand.
"It was tough" he acknowledged.
"It took me six months to find another Jew."

The DMV or RTA

After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"

Dear Dr. Ruth

Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
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Collected wit from Dashel Jamison

"I suppose you think I don't even know the meaning of the word "rhetorical".

"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." (George Bernard Shaw)

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." (Sir Richard F. Burton)

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." (Abraham Lincoln)

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." (Samuel Goldwyn)

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." (Truman Capote)

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'" (Isaac Asimov)

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." (Dan Rather)

"Crime does not pay... as well as politics." (Alfred E. Newman)

"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" (La Rochefoucauld)

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." (Mark Twain)

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." (Burt Bacharach)

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." (Eric Hoffer)

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." (George Orwell)

"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." (Oscar Wilde)

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." (Woody Allen)

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." (David Letterman)

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." (Irving Caesar)

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" (Socrates minutes before death)

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." (Erica Jong)

"Freedom without discipline, is anarchy. Discipline without freedom is Tyranny." (Hightower)

UN Poetry Comp winner

A delightful little piece, supposedly nominated by the UN as the winning entry in a poetry competition for African children.

I suspect it was written by an American adult with a normal level of English syntax so as to appear to have been written by an African child. The humour is too complex for a child with English as a second language and the punch line sounds like an American urban black. - from Mark Kennedy of 2GB


When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks...
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who YOU callin' C O L O R E D ??
===
Obama writes poetry - ed.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

An Irishman

An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guiness that never gets empty.
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guiness bottle" he asks the Genies.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Widow Spiders

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Shoe Repair

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does